2/25

I cannot honestly say I am going to miss this part of our class immensely (though I may reconsider when I begin writing essay #3 of 50 AP essays), but I will miss the potential for great discussion. I do think that the discussions tended to drag on and did not become as productive and fruitful as I had hoped, but we got some general points across, and I believe our class has learned a lot as a result of it, which is a great thing. It was definitely worth it to read this, and I certainly cannot complain; as dense as it was, at least you did not assign The Brothers Karamazov. 

I must admit that these lectures had most inconveniently taken place at a bad time in my life, and though I am still not completely out of it, at least I have come to terms with some of the content we have learned from Dostoyevsky, and despite as nihilist as they seem, I must agree with all of it, because it makes sense, and I cannot deny things that make perfect sense. They are depressing topics, and even more depressing to realize if you had not done so before, and though many of the themes we had gone over were not necessarily new to me, I am happy to say I have become even more open to certain ideas. 

The narrator of Notes from the Underground understands many, many things. He is a smart man, and though he seemed insane at first, after further reading we realize he is more than just a madman- perhaps he is so mad that he is a genius. But, as we had gone over before, Dostoyevsky had to show us what it was like for an Underground man to venture outside of his pathetic hole in the wall and interact with people. Like it was said in class, even the most ingenious man can react like a moron. I think that was important to show us. We all strive to learn everything, know everything, find the answer to everything, and mostly without our own drive because we are the generation of instant gratification, and yet we must realize how lost we are and futile all of our efforts are- and that it’s perfectly fine.

We will never know the extent of the true universe. We will never want to understand the depths of our subconscious. But I believe that we should not fret about it, and succumb to absolute despair and misery because it is just so daunting to believe everything you know is a lie. Maybe this reality is not what it seems, and yes, everything I will ever do will be meaningless, in the end of it all, not just my life. But I assume I am going to be living in this reality, MY reality, for a while, so why not make the best of it. I will continue to believe in what I believe in because, in the end, it does not matter. So the hell with it, just live in your reality the way you want to. It has to be worth something, even if that something is selfish.